Conflict management lessons from 5 year olds

​A bright sunny morning, our 5-6 year olds were at the playground. They were divided into two teams to play a game of Dodge Ball. The rules were set and the teams were rearing to go. An had the ball in her hand as it was decided that she would start the game but Av wanted to be the one to start the game. He was trying to forcefully pull the ball away from An's hands. 

​Av: I want to throw the ball first
An: No! I want to start the game, Av. Ma’am said that I can start and R and D in our team have also agreed. R only came and gave me the ball.
Av: No, this time I want to start the game.

Av, as if remembering that politeness can go miles, immediately changes his stance.

Av (politely): An, can I please have the ball?

An would have usually given in to requests like these just to avoid a fight is quite assertive this time She is in no mood to part with the ball just because someone else is asking. It is rightfully hers!

An (softly but firmly): No, Av, I want to have the ball this time. You can have it the next time, we play the game.

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Seeing that his repeated requests are not working Av starts to cry. Soon the other children gather around. Some try to coax An while others try to convince Av, as they are keen on
getting back to the fun of playing the game. 

​D (walking up to An, trying to negotiate): An, see how Av is crying. Let him have the ball.
Av, now has an even more sad expression, looking for more supporters.
Few of the children agree saying Av should have the ball.
Av: Yes, An look how I am crying. Let me have the ball.
An is still not convinced.

D: Crying children only should have the ball. An, give the ball to Av.
Then turning to me, he says,
D: Ma’am, crying children should have the ball. Please tell An to give the ball.
Me: Okay, so every time a child cries, and we give the child what he wants, what will the child
learn?
Na: He will think, if I cry, I will get it
Me: Exactly, so is that a good solution?
Most of them disagree.

Me: Then D, if we now give the ball to Av because he is crying, are we helping Av?
D: No, ma’am.

This idea is dropped and they start looking for other ways to solve the problem. Av now decides
to wipe away his tears realizing that this is not working. 
​

Meanwhile, C now resorts to another way of trying to solve the problem - seeking the help of the Almighty! I notice that he has retreated to a quiet place away from the
group and is standing there with folding hands, looking up to the sky.
Me: C, what are you doing?
C: Ma’am, I am praying.
Me: What are you praying for?
C: Asking God to solve this problem!

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Now the children have separated into two groups, one group working on convincing Av and the
other group on convincing An. In Av’s group, D comes up with a proposal.
D: Ok, Av, you do one thing. When we go back to the class, you hold the ball.
Av suddenly brightens up and agrees. Now this group walks up to the other, to see if An would
agree to this proposal.
D: An, you can start the game now. When we go back to class, Av will hold the ball. Okay?
An: I’m okay with that

With Av and An agreeing to D’s proposal, finally the problem was resolved and the game
resumed. In the process, all of them had flexed their conflict resolution muscle and gained confidence that they can figure out solutions to problems no matter how unsolvable and unreasonable they may sound to begin with.
​
As we step back and reflect on the incident, we realize that there are several things that children did right
1. They didn't give up in the face of repeat set backs to solve the problem
2. They came up with newer solutions from different dimensions, it was never more of the same
3. They didn't write off or judge either of their friends
4. They didn't take sides
5. They resolved the issue as a class, as a team
6. Despite emotions running high, they kept an ear open for a suggestion that would work
7. They understood that, perhaps, the dispute was just about who got to hold the ball, not about who started the game, that led to their creative solution (showing sprouts of empathy here!)
8. At no point, did they ask the facilitator to solve the problem for them, they persevered, they trusted themselves enough to continue working on it
9. The facilitator stepped back and only stepped in when there was a pull from the children (only to the extent necessary)

Children who experience trust in their capabilities from adults around them and learn to take ownership of their relationships, learning and more become confident problem solvers. They are an inspiration to each one of us, as children should be!

We wonder what inspirational lessons we will learn from our 5 year olds next?

Documented by Jennifer Christy, Learning Facilitator at Sparkling Mindz Global Preschool
Edited by Sreeja Iyer CEO Sparkling Mindz Global